Living with Elderly Parents: A Burden or a Blessing?

@SereneLee

In Singapore and many cultures around the world, living with our elderly parents has long been a symbol of love, respect, and filial duty. It is a tradition woven into the fabric of our upbringing - one that tells us we owe our parents the care they once gave us. But as the world changes, so do our responsibilities, our priorities, and our perspectives. Somewhere along the way, the question arises: Is living with aging parents a blessing or a burden?

There is no easy answer...… Some parents remain independent, helping with the grandchildren, cooking meals, and being a pillar of wisdom in the household. Others may struggle with declining health, memory loss, or habits that make caregiving overwhelming. The weight of responsibility is heavy - especially when life itself is already demanding.

We live in a world that glorifies being busy. If you are not moving forward, you are falling behind. And while we are caught up in our endless to-do lists, our elderly parents....... once the very people who shaped our childhoods, are left behind, waiting. Waiting for a visit, a phone call, a moment of our time. Society tells us to keep running, but no one tells them what to do when they are no longer needed in the race.

For many seniors, aging isn’t just about aches and pains; it is about fading into the background. My father once told me, "I never thought old people just became invisible… until I became one." One day, he was respected, admired, and valued. Next, people looked past him, stopped asking for his advice, and stopped listening. He was still the same man, with the same heart, the same need to be loved and acknowledged. But the world had decided he was no longer relevant.

This is the painful truth we do not talk about enough. We all grow older. We all will one day walk in their shoes. And yet, we pretend that aging is a distant problem - one that belongs to them, not to us.

The saddest part? They do not expect much. A short conversation. A meal shared. A simple acknowledgment that they still matter. But when the most exciting part of their day is a doctor’s appointment or a trip to the grocery store, surely, we can do more.

They are not a burden. They are not an afterthought. They are the reason we are here.

One day, we will be them. We will sit in their chairs, watch our children rush through life, and feel time slipping through our fingers. And if we don’t change the way we see them now, we may find ourselves looking back, wishing we had done better.

The question was never whether living with elderly parents was a blessing or a burden. The real question is.......how do we want to be remembered when it is our turn?

The Challenges: When Living Together Feels Like a Burden

For some families, cohabiting with elderly parents presents challenges that can strain relationships and affect the well-being of caregivers. Some common difficulties include: 

• Caregiving and Medical Needs Elderly parents often require medical attention or caregiving, ranging from managing medications to assisting with mobility. For example, a son who works long hours may find himself rushing home daily to care for his mother with diabetes and limited mobility. The financial and emotional toll can feel overwhelming, especially if support systems are lacking. 

• Cognitive Impairment or Dementia Cognitive decline, such as dementia, can be particularly challenging. Imagine a daughter caring for her father who repeatedly forgets her, accuses her of stealing, and wanders out of the house at odd hours. The emotional strain is profound, and the constant vigilance required can leave caregivers exhausted and isolated.
  

• Unhygienic Habits Some elderly parents may struggle with personal hygiene or maintaining their living space. A family might find themselves constantly cleaning up after a parent who hoards items or resists bathing, creating tension and frustration in the household.
  

• Controlling Behaviours Elderly parents may insist on exerting control over their adult children’s lives, from criticizing parenting methods to interfering in marital relationships. For instance, a mother-in-law who constantly critiques her daughter-in-law's cooking can lead to rifts and resentment.
  

• Interrupting Children’s Lifestyles Sharing a home with elderly parents may also mean sacrificing personal space and lifestyle. A young couple may find their date nights or relaxed evenings replaced by caregiving tasks or adhering to the preferences of an elderly parent.

The Blessings: When Living Together Feels Like a Gift

On the flip side, some elderly parents contribute significantly to family life, making their presence a source of joy and support. Here are some examples:

1. Emotional Support Some elderly parents bring emotional stability and wisdom, acting as a comforting presence in the home. For example, a grandfather who tells bedtime stories to his grandchildren fosters intergenerational bonds that create cherished memories.
   

2. A Helping Hand Active and healthy elderly parents can contribute significantly to the household. A retired grandmother who loves to cook and help with school pick-ups not only lightens the load but also strengthens familial connections.
   

3. Passing Down Traditions Living with elderly parents allows for the preservation of cultural traditions and values. For instance, a grandmother teaching her grandchildren traditional recipes or sharing stories of resilience can instil a sense of identity and pride.
   

4. Role Models for Resilience Many elderly parents serve as examples of perseverance and adaptability. A grandfather who thrives despite physical limitations can inspire the family with his strength and positive outlook.
   

5. Shared Financial and Practical Support In some families, elderly parents contribute financially or practically, such as helping with childcare or offering advice from their years of experience. These contributions can make a significant difference in the family’s quality of life.

The Impact on Children and Sibling Relationships

Living with elderly parents affects children’s emotional well-being. When the household is filled with stress due to caregiving struggles or family disputes, children may feel overwhelmed or neglected. In contrast, when the environment is supportive, children benefit from the warmth and wisdom of their grandparents.

Caregiving duties can become a source of contention among siblings. If one child bears the majority of responsibilities while others contribute little, resentment can build. Clear communication and a fair division of responsibilities can help prevent such issues.

How Society and the Singapore Government Can Help

For those who struggle with caregiving, various support systems can alleviate the burden:

• Elderly Day-care and Respite Services: Community-based senior care centres offer daytime supervision, allowing caregivers to balance work and personal life.
  

• Home Care Services: Professional caregivers can assist with medical needs, hygiene, and companionship, reducing stress on family members.
  

• Financial Assistance: Schemes like the ElderShield and Home Caregiving Grant provide financial relief for families managing elderly care expenses.
  

• Counselling and Support Groups: Organizations such as AIC (Agency for Integrated Care) offer caregiver support programs and counseling to address emotional and psychological challenges.
  

• Public Housing Initiatives: More intergenerational housing options, such as the Multi-Generation Priority Scheme, encourage proximity without forcing families to live under one roof, providing a balance of support and independence.

Striking the Balance

Whether living with elderly parents is a burden or a blessing depends on family dynamics, expectations, and available support. While challenges exist, solutions can be found to make the experience more positive for all parties involved. Instead of viewing elderly parents as burdens, families and society can work together to ensure they are cared for with dignity while maintaining the well-being of their caregivers.

Families can consider the following approaches:

• Establish boundaries: Clearly define roles and responsibilities to prevent misunderstandings. 
  

• Seek external support: Professional caregiving or respite services can ease the strain on family members.
  

• Foster empathy: Understanding the challenges of aging can help temper frustrations.
  

• Focus on strengths: Highlight the positive contributions of elderly parents to the household.
  

• Share decisions: Involve elderly parents in decisions that affect them to maintain their dignity and independence. Do not decide their path or how they should live. 

Conclusion

Living with elderly parents is a journey filled with ups and downs. While caregiving, clashing habits, and interruptions can create stress, the emotional support, wisdom, and joy they bring can be deeply enriching. Whether living with elderly parents is a burden or a blessing depends on family dynamics, expectations, available support, and how we approach this relationship. While challenges exist, solutions can be found to make the experience more positive for all parties involved. Instead of viewing elderly parents as burdens, families and society can work together to ensure they are cared for with dignity while maintaining the well-being of their caregivers.

Embracing empathy, finding solutions to challenges, and appreciating the unique gifts our parents bring can turn this shared experience into a meaningful chapter of family life.